I am no better at Jarrod than I was at Eric. It's slowly slipping into the same battered routine of drink-banter-pout-cry-run-cry-apologize. Eric put up with me out of fear and because it was easier than dealing with the mess of pulling our lives apart. But Jarrod and I are in the process of putting our lives together. He will not stand for my failings, nor sit or even stick around. I want him and this and and "us" so badly that I often fail to see that I already have it, we already have it. It needs to be built and tended, and I have so very much to learn... But even just my realizations of this seem like a step, seem like a move in the right direction. I want to share with him the fact that I want to share with him, but the words always come out self-deprecating and apologetic. I'm terrified of him seeing me as weak and common, but if would just fucking think about it for a second I would realize that is not and never will be the case.
I need to let myself love him, and let him love me. I will not fuck this up.
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